Logo courtsey, www.acog.org

Seventeen years old and visiting a doctor for the first time in her life, Amira, married a few months back, finds out that she is pregnant. She remembers that about to years back, the health worker had advised her to take vitamins because she used to feel fatigued. Today, the doctor tells her that she is anaemic. Her blood test suggests that her haemoglobin level is as low as 6g/dl. The doctor tells Amira’s mother-in-law that she will have to be careful about Amira’s food and care, otherwise, Amira and her foetus may not be able to pull through. Amira’s mother-in-law is insisting that the doctor should give her daughter-in-law some tablets. But the doctor replies that it may not be good idea because Amira is already suffering from diarrhoea and the medicines used in cases of anaemia have a tendency to cause constipation or diarrhoea may aggravate her condition. Amira is angry. She can’t understand why she has to go through this when other girls her age are going to the school, and do not have to worry about anything. The doctor tells her that she is in this situation because she is married and pregnant while her friends may not be. He explains that at 17 she is still growing; her own body requirement of red blood [haemoglobin] is high. Pregnancy at this age means far more increased demand for red blood [haemoglobin] to meet the needs of the foetus. Since her body is producing more blood to meet the needs of the foetus without having enough iron in her food, it is causing wateriness in the blood. “it is like adding water to blood to meet the quantity requirement but it reduces redness in blood and causes all the trouble that she is facing”, the doctor explained.

Amira’s village falls within the service catchment area of a health centre. The centre is not far from her home. “It is useful for children”, says Amira about the centre. Her family did not want her going to the centre when Amira complained of dizziness a couple of times. This centre has no facilities for women’s health other than an examination room. Amira did not complain about it, “I don’t like to go to the health centre, anyway”. But her family took her to the centre when she developed persistent irregular bowel movements. The health worker prescribed her medicines meant for diarrhoea. Amira’s mother-in-law patiently listened to her grumblings and cajoled her to take the medicines as prescribed by the health worker. Two days later Amira fainted. Her husband collected his savings and decided to take her to a private hospital in a neighbouring town. Her mother-in-law gathered a few things that may be needed in case they have to hospitalize Amira. She loves Amira. She frequently asked her son to be gentle with Amira and showered extra affection on her thinking she is a delicate girl who is having difficulty adjusting to the married life.

Safiah, Amira’s mother-in-law is around 40 years old. She is dressed in a black abaya and a black pair of gloves which reflect her family’s modest condition. The opening in her naqab for the eyes has lost its shape and is partly covering her left eye. When the doctor was explaining Amira’s condition, she could feel a lump in her throat. She couldn’t help breaking into loud sobs when Amira’s angry voice asked why she has to go through this. Safiah is not convinced with the doctor’s explanation. So while the doctor was explaining she interjected many times to tell the doctor as well as Amira that it is women’s fate to go through death to give birth. Like many traditional Yemeni women, Safiah believes motherhood is a holy duty that every woman must perform even if it means risking her life. But she is desperate to protect Amira. Once they came out of the doctor’s room, she dragged her son to one side and asked him to pray so that Amira’s first child birth goes smoothly. In a slight indirect way, she asked him to give Amira some rest.

“We did what we could do. We are doing what we can do. Allah will save Amira like he saved me”, Safia says in a voice, which shows that she is trying to reconcile to the reality of the situation. Amira’s husband, a 25 year old brick-maker is Safiah’s first live born. She was lucky that her parental family was relatively well-off. She remembers that her father often told her mother to feed her well. But the first pregnancy nearly killed her. She still remembers the long painful labour at the end of which she fainted. When she regained consciousness, her mother told her between cries that her child is with Allah. She remembers taunts and stigma that she had to bear till she gave birth to a son, Amira’s husband. In all, she went through 14 pregnancies of which nine survived. Only her youngest son, now eight years old, was born in a hospital. She had to be rushed to the hospital when her water broke but she was unable to push the baby out. These multiple pregnancies have taken a toll on her. She is glad that her husband finally heeded to the doctor’s advice to use protection to save her life. She remembers that her stepmother was not so lucky. Barely two-three years older than Safiah, she suffered and finally succumbed to death while giving birth to her first child at home. She was barely 17 or18 years old. As always safiah mutters a prayer for her stepmother and her thoughts move to one of her three married daughters.

Safiah’s three daughters were married by the time they reached 17 years of age. Two of them became mothers within first year of their marriages. Safiah’s second daughter, Arwa who was married at 16 years of age, could not adjust to the life after marriage. She wanted to finish basic schooling and join the secondary school. Her parents-in-law and husband prohibited her from studying and reprimanded her every time she failed to do any of the household chores. Fatigued and pregnant with her first child, Arwa ran away to her parents’ house. She was forced by her father to go back to her husband. A few days later, she had a miscarriage. Her health deteriorated rapidly. There is no government hospital close to her marital village and the cost of treatment in a private hospital was something her husband refused to bear. In a matter of months Arwa was divorced. She has been at her parents’ house since then.

I narrated this intergenerational story to highlight how near absence of knowledge of women’s health among health centre staff, unavailability of women health workers and doctors, early marriage, lack of knowledge and sensitivity among decision-makers in the family, and many other such reasons take a toll on women’s lives. Yemen is one of the countries with the highest rates of maternal deaths during childbirth and infant mortality. In areas where some preventive women’s health programmes are available, shortage of women paramedics and doctors and cultural resistance to examination by men, early marriage leading to early pregnancy, scarce resources and many other such reasons practically push women to death. Yemeni women will continue to die unless the government, development organizations and society become sensitive towards women and begin to believe that terrible realities of women’s lives can be changed and must be changed.

Not yet.. Well then rejoice all women (read Mother-in-law, sister-in-law et all.

After the Discrimination in Law of Bigamy, Domestic Violence Act holds the torch..

About DV Act

Section 3 of the law says any act/conduct/omission/commission that harms or injures or has the potential to harm or injure will be considered ‘domestic violence’.

Under this, the law considers physical, sexual, emotional, verbal, psychological, and economic abuse or threats of the same.

Even a single act of commission or omission may constitute domestic violence — in other words, women do not have to suffer a prolonged period of abuse before taking recourse to the law.(More about Domestic Violence Act)

Can a woman charge female family members of her husband or live-in partner under the Domestic Violence Act?

There question essentially is whether the law enacted for the welfare of women can be used against a woman. Different courts across the country have been expressing conflicting views. (Related article in Hindustan Times)

Recently a Delhi High Court held, Female members of a family can be charged under the Domestic Violence Act in case of harassment of a woman.

The order assumes importance in the wake of raging debate however it does not seem to settle the matter once and for all. I sincerely wish & pray that a just and fair view is arrived at in this raging debate. (Related article in The Times of India)

—

Editor’s note: The legal positions shared by the author here are purely on as is basis. The organization, editor or other members of this blog holds no responsibility for the accuracy or inaccuracy of the same.

A still from the film 'Dance Me to My Song' which deals with sexuality and disability. A must watch.

…

they look at me, they hear my desire,

and they say ‘scab.’

And they say ‘dreamer’ like it was a dirty word

and they say ‘how dare she say such a thing

how dare she say she wants to walk

again how dare she say she’d prefer

to run free, to feel her vagina again

how dare she voice that

after all we have done to make

disability a state in which to be proud?’

… [1]

I began this essay by asking two of my colleagues, leaders in the disability movement in India, about their views on sexuality and disability. One response was, “You know better about the issues being faced by disabled persons here than to waste your time on sex obsessed Western thinking.” The other wondered, “(Disability)[2] still remains a kicked off affair in the triangle of charity/welfare, medical rehabilitation and vocational training … when and how do we talk about sexuality?”  I also (not so) vaguely remembered a comment which I heard some months back at a rehabilitation centre in Cuttack, India about a pregnant young woman with cognitive disability:  “She just can’t control … they take their eyes off her for a minute and she has done it with someone … Men! I tell you … Third pregnancy … can’t even get hysterectomy … and abortion at this stage is risky.”

I wondered if my colleagues actually thought it is an irrelevant issue or, perhaps, saw it as a divisive issue for the disability community[3]. Or, being women, did they feel constrained to acknowledge the relevance and risk being perceived as sexual beings in a society which gives respect to women only as long as they remain passive sex objects? Was the person at the rehabilitation centre attempting to control the sexuality of the pregnant woman in a way different from how she would control her own or an ‘able-bodied’ woman’s sexuality?

I searched for answers in Pfeiffer’s description of nine versions of the disability paradigm in disability studies[4]. Sexuality was not part of any description. But these questions do emerge from recent research on sexuality and disability.

Broadly, the new research raises issues related to gender, sexual identity, sexual behaviour, and sexual access[5] and reflects on exclusion of the issues like sexual information, sexual relationships, sexual activity and sexual abuse from the theorizing as well as disability rights movements and policy[6]. Recent research suggests that the disability discourse has been framed in medicalized and human rights terms and it is caught in individual social binary[7]. The individualized focus of the medical model sees disability as a problem with the individual body and the functional limitations or psychological losses assumed to arise from disability as the sources of the problem. In other words, it views disability as a personal tragedy[8] and draws attention away from the socio-structural relations, and socio-cultural notions of physical and sexual attractiveness.

The social model, contrary to the apolitical and uncritical nature of the individual model and which has been adopted by the disability movement focused on social change in terms of inclusive physical environmental access, employment, etc.[9] by taking political stances. If the individual medicalized model saw the person as a “docile and passive body, rather than a reflexive subject”[10] and casts human variation as an aberration[11], the social model is yet to “address the fundamental issue of bodily agency.”[12] Makayute’s peom at the beginning of this paper is an example of assertion of the embodied self against the givens of the social model.  Briefly, both individual and social models excluded the phenomenology of the body as “lived experience”[13] and consequently ignored the experiences of multiple barriers to and their psychological impacts on sexuality of the disabled persons.

I will reflect on the questions asker earlier in the introduction within the social model discourse paradigm and analyze the psychological, social and cultural contexts as intraphenomenal and interphenomenal factors affecting disabled persons sexuality.  My arguments will have a focus on the ways in which sexual lives of disabled women are denied, resisted and controlled at various levels.

Discourse & Advocacy

The pressure to ignore the bodily experiences for a collective voice to locate and challenge the barriers “out there” has made disability theorists and activists collude with “the idea that the ‘typical’ disabled person is a young man in a wheelchair who is fit, never ill, and whose only needs concern a physically accessible environment.”[14] This collusion has led to the sidelining of disabled women, non-visible impairments, intellectual impairments, elderly with chronic conditions[15], and disabiliy’s interaction with gender and other social, cultural oppressions[16]. Further, it has ended up contributing to the disappearance of the embodied experiences from most disability literature[17].

Paterson and Hughes make a useful analysis of the disabled body from a phenomenological standpoint through the concept of “dys-appearance” as opposed to “disappearance.” They say that in the everyday social experiences the disabled body “disappears” but the “disappearance” is disrupted by factors such as pain and disease. These disruptions make the body appear again or “dys-appear” as a thematic focus of attention in a “dys-state” – as undesirable and anaesthetic. The body experiences pain and disease as intracorporeal phenomenon (or the pain reminding of the existence of the body) but “dys-appears” as intercorporeal phenomenon, ie, forced to recognize “its own presence-as-alien-beings-in-the-world” due to the impact of “the profound oppressions of everyday life.”[18]

The “dys-appearance” of the body has led to a “conspiracy of silence” about the “impaired body,” and not only a negation of pain, fatigue, depression and illnesses but a denial of dialogue about the body[19]. It has prevented a sense of pride in the bodily differences and acceptance of the changed body images amongst the newly disabled[20], disallowed aesthetics of impaired bodies, and blocked diverse expressions of sexuality through feelings of shame and inappropriateness of the impaired sexual body, by the disabled as well as by the society[21].

Feminine Body & Appropriateness

Meekosha while questioning the lack of equal attention to violence against disabled women examines three broad dimensions of feminist engagement with bodies: objectified bodies, regulated bodies and bodies as texts. Objectified bodies are “not naturally but socially produced, reproduced and culturally inscribed. Women’s bodies are featured as eroticized parts of a ‘perfect’ whole. The objectification renders disabled bodies as deficient and therefore subject to abuse, invasion and remodelling.”[22] Regulated bodies engage in Foucauldian self-surveillance to achieve or retain the body ideal and to control the sexuality[23]. Regulation of bodies discounts the biological and subjective experiences of pain, illnesses, fatigue, age and physical sexual complexities. Bodies as text exist in the dominant ideological/theoretical assumptions of the social system[24]. Disabled bodies unable to conform to the inscribed text of the ideal healthy (white) “wholesome” female bodies are subjected to oppressive practices and denied a sexual role.

The social norm of sexuality which is based on being “able-bodied” and the material situations of disabled women as “asexual objects” creates “rolelessness” – “social invisibility and this cancellation of femininity” prompts some disabled women to claim essential femininity which culture denies them[25]. This may give the impression that most disabled women have freedom from the standards set by the patriarchal male gaze and that they are in a position to develop and lead happy alternative lifestyles. In reality, imagining them as “antithesis of the normative woman”[26] adds to their disadvantage of being women. It hold them accountable for failing to be “able-bodied”[27] and makes bodily and intellectual differences treated as unattractive and undesirable. A major consequence of which is lack of “sexual access.”[28]

Closely linked to the notion of attractiveness is the notion of appropriateness of sexual desire and act which Shakespeare, Gillespie-Sells & Davis dub as the “fucking ideology” – heterosexual penetrative, man on the top sex. They find the dominant status of the “fucking ideology” oppressive for disabled persons who because of difficulty with positioning and bodily dysfunctions cannot follow it[29]. By contradicting possibilities of non-genital sexuality,[30] it affects disabled persons perception of right and wrong sex and their capacity to give or derive sexual pleasure.

Socialization & Information

Since the society does not recognize the sexuality of the disabled persons, it does not recognize their need to engage in body and sexuality related education or the need for information. There is a lack of information per se and wherever available the format of the information is such it remains inaccessible to the particular needs of the disabled persons. It results in confusion, guilt and silence which affect self-esteem and sexual self-actualization capacity[31].

Wade, while giving a historical account of the regulation of disabled persons’ sexuality in the USA, comments that sexuality education has remained highly controversial and value-laden, treating sexuality education as primarily concerned with the act of sex rather than as information on developing relationship and communication skills, values, ability to identify abuse and to enable the self-determination and facilitate healthy sexual life[32].

Social Construction of Dependence & Segregation

It is ironic that the “special needs” institutions and “special education” provisions which were supposed to meet the particular needs of the disabled persons have furthered their social segregation. The segregation which begins from infancy or the onset of the disability limits opportunities of interaction with “able-bodied” peers and participation in social discourse on sexuality[33].  The equal opportunity policies, meant to provide inclusive access, have on the negative side resulted in complacency and hypocrisy – pretension that the disabled person is equal and could be made normal[34]. This attitudinal barrier in practical terms means that the disabled persons are infantilized and are going to be segregated even in the so called “inclusive” or “integrated” environments unless they do become equal and normal. Most social policies recognize the physical access needs but they do not address attitudinal issues. The policies and social institutions foster infantalization by refusing to recognize issues of sexual access and by expecting those in the institutional care not to express themselves sexually[35].

The story of dependence, perennial infantalization and segregation is not limited to institutions. Duffy writes about being the eternal child at home:

“i am growing up

and you think that i will never go away

that i will always live with you

to be washed and dressed by you

…

you call me máire cock

by refusing to inoculate me against the rubella

you ignore my sexuality”[36]

Shue & Flores bring up the issue of sexual segregation of persons with cognitive disability in supported independent living environments to highlight the critical factor of the decision-making capacity. The individual may retain an interest in having a sexual life but the family members can override personal decisions, and competency[37].

Factors such as support and protection which are needs make the disabled persons vulnerable not only to abuse but also to dependence leading to a restriction on their right to sexual expression. Issues of support also bring to attention leisure and privacy as means by which contacts are made and sexual relationships formed[38]. Intimate nature of sexual expressions are not possible in the face of battles with the daily routine set by the norms of “able-bodied” persons, need to have personal assistance, constraints of living space available and other physical barriers, etc. The idea of facilitated sex remains controversial not only because of the likely dynamics in the carer-recipient relationship but also because of its potential to become exploitative[39]. It may, therefore, seem easier to deny if not outright shun sexual desires than to negotiate them.

Sexual partnerships & Relationships

Considering the barriers to finding sexual partner, Shapiro argues for the state sponsored access to sexual surrogates for the disabled people[40]. His argument forces us to think about the threefold barrier to finding sexual partners. First, denial of information and internalization of negative messages about the body and sexuality leaves women feeling redundant, “burdensome, unwanted and unlovable.”[41] Secondly, physical barriers and segregation already discussed earlier in this essay restrict disabled persons’ opportunities to meet potential partners. And third, possibility of rejection in the “non-disabled” circumstances and larger social perception which denies sexual identity to disabled persons or as a disabled woman says in Morris el al’s book, Able Lives, sees them as only “half a woman.”[42] Looking for partners or acknowledging sexuality may also make disabled women susceptible to be branded as crude or sex-mad because they disrupt the set perceptions about disabled persons with their sexual desires[43].

The internalization of the notions of attractiveness by disabled persons themselves also means that “disabled men may reject disabled women as intimates …”[44] and as Stuart suggests, “It’s almost like a victory when disabled men go out with non-disabled women.”[45] The situation may not be very different for disabled lesbians. Asch and Fine suggest from their research that many disabled women indicate being rejected, shunned or relegated to a position of a friend from being a lover[46].

Just as disabled women are considered asexual, they are also not seen as capable of a long term relationship other than that as care recipients[47]. It also explains the large number of existing sexual/marital relationships breaking up soon after the onset of disability[48]. The assumptions regarding the capacity of disabled women to have the ability to lead normal, ordinary lives also leads to denying them the roles of reproduction and nurturing.  The medical world is not prepared to give them information on or access to facilities related to birth-control, pregnancy and child-birth. Many states forbid persons with histories of epilepsy, cognitive disability and psychiatric disability from marrying. Some states allow the spouse to remarry without a divorce in a case where one partner becomes disabled after marriage. Children are taken away from them, as they are not deemed fit and responsible enough to be mothers. Disabled women face discrimination in the adoption process, to provide foster care and in getting custody of children after divorce[49].

The widespread use of eugenic measures in the modern history and geneticists’ support to eugenics suggests that disabled women are seen as sources of ‘defects’ and who must not be given right to burden society with disabled children. Recent practices of prenatal testing and selective abortion of foetus on the likelihood that the child may have a health problem puts a woman in a complex situation where the decision is not only about her body but also about her lack of confidence in the society that were she to give birth to a disabled child, she and her child will have fulfilling lives. These practices implement social prejudices and infringe women’s reproductive rights[50].

The lack of socially inscribed reproductive and nurturing role may be a great disincentive for those disabled women who see sex and reproduction as integrated. And for women from cultures where marriage must precede sex, reproductive role is the only possible way to have sex. Denial of reproductive role for them is a denial of a sexual life.

Conclusion

Commenting on the limitation of the social model to address issues of meanings and representation of disabled persons, Shakespeare says that the social model “privileges the material level of explanation, and does not give much explanatory space or autonomy to the realm of culture and meaning” and its “mono-linear explanations, reducing everything to economic factors, are misguided.”[51] The social model addresses issues arising from the material processes and social relations which are important in pointing out the disabling role of society. Its analysis of socio-economic structures and processes should be extended to understand wider cultural notions of bodily normativity. It needs to address the production and reproduction of the intercorporeal “dys-appearance” of the body as well as intracorporeal experiences of pain and desire.

Considering that so much of negative perceptions of disabled persons’ sexuality go on unchallenged, there is a need for more empirical work to reclaim sexual experiences of the disabled people for three purposes: to substantiate that disabled people are indeed perceived as asexual and face multiple barriers to their sexuality and to make non-disabled world accept and value disabled persons’ sexuality, to bring sexuality on the disability movement’s agenda, and to validate disabled persons own experiences[52].  Positive cultural representations of sexuality of disabled persons are important not only for changing public perceptions but also to impact on disabled persons’ access to sexually meaningful relationships.

For Detailed Bibliography, visit: http://www.iiav.nl/epublications//2004/Regulation_of_Disabled_Womens_Sexuality.pdf

[2] Insert mine

[3] Marks, 1999: 611

[4] Pfeiffer, 2002.

Pfeiffer’s nine versions include: social constructionist model of US; social model of UK; impairment version; oppressed minority version; independent living version; postmodern, poststructural, humanist, experiential, existential version; continuum version; human variation version; and discrimination version.

[5] Shakespeare, Gillespie-Sells & Davis, 1996; Gillespie-Sells, 1998

[6] Finger, 1992: 8-10; Macfarlane, 1993

[7] Finkelstein in Marks, 1999: 612

[8] Oliver, 1990: 3

[9] Shakespeare, Gillespie-Sells & Davies, 1996: 6

[10] Marks, 1999: 612

[11] Stocker, 2001: 34

[12] Paterson & Hughes, 1999: 601

[13] Paterson & Hughes, 1999: 602

[14] Morris, 2001: 9a

[15] Morris, 2001: 9b

[16] Fawcett, 2000: 47-53; Vernon, 1996

[17] Paterson & Hughes, 1999: 603

[18] Paterson & Hughes, 1999: 602-603

[19] Crow, 1992: 3

[20] Morris et al, 1989: 60-68

[21] Shakespeare, Gillespie-Sells & Davies, 1996: 16-43

[22] Meekosha, 1998: 169-170

[23] Meekosha, 1998: 171

[24] Meekosha, 1998: 172

[25] Thomson, 1997: 284-285

[26] Thomson, 1997: 288

[27] Wendell, 1997, p269

[28] Shuttleworth & Mona, 2002: 2

[29] Shakespeare, Gillespie-Sells & Davies, 1996: 97-107

[30] Wendell, 1997: 274

[31] Shakespeare, Gillespie-Sells & Davies, 1996: 18-19

[32] Wade, 2002: 20-25

[33] Shakespeare, Gillespie-Sells & Davies, 1996: 19-20

[34] French, 1994: 154-155

[35] Shakespeare, Gillespie-Sells & Davies, 1996: 33-34; Marks, 1999: 612

[36] Duffy, 1994: 26

[37] Shue & Flores, 2002: 75-77

[38] Howard & Young, 2002: 109-123

[39] Shakespeare, Gillespie-Sells & Davies, 1996: 35-40

[40] Shapiro, 2002: 78-87

[41] Asch & Fine, 1997: 249-250; Shakespeare, Gillespie-Sells & Davies, 1996: 90

[42] Morris et al, 1989: 86

[43] Morris et al, 1989: 80

[44] Asch & Fine, 1997: 253

[45] Stuart in Shakespeare, Gillespie-Sells & Davies, 1996: 94

[46] Asch & Fine, 1997: 246

[47] Shakespeare, Gillespie-Sells & Davies, 1996: 107

[48] Asch & Fine, 1997: 241-243

[49] Asch & Fine, 1997: 248

[50] Hubbard, 1997: 187-200

[51] Shakespeare, 1994: 8-9

[52] Shakespeare, Gillespie-Sells & Davies, 1996: 207

DNA Reports:

The Delhi high court on Monday held that sex without marriage amounted to rape

The court rejected pre-arrest bail to a man who repeatedly had sex with a woman but refused to marry her even after their engagement.

The woman stayed with her fiancé, Nikhil Prasar, in Mumbai for a few days, “where they had fun, and then went to Delhi and stayed in a hotel where they had sex”.

When it came to fixing a date for marriage, however, Nikhil refused, on the grounds that he had learned that she belonged to a different caste.

…

He (judge) said it appears that the man did not intend to marry the woman and that was why he did not wait for sex even till his formal engagement with her.

If he were so orthodox and conservative that he broke the marriage owing to caste differences, he should not have hurried in for sexual intercourse before marriage, the justice said.

The court held that if it was not held as rape, it would “result in unscrupulous and mischievous persons taking undue advantage of innocent girls by promising marriage with them”.

Sexual intercourse before marriage amounts to rape or it will result in victimisation or exploitation of innocent girls, justice Jain said.

Sex without marriage is rape? In what mind can a judge make such comment?

The rape laws in this country is in a bad state and needs immediate reforms not even 30% of the rape victims get any justice. Instead of trying to change the law and ensure better mechanism to ensure conviction our honorable court is going about making regressive statement such as this. It is not of the Court or of any body else’ job to play moral police in today’s liberalized society which is constantly embracing human rights. Today we have legalized sexual intercourse between same sex consenting adults, under the PWDV Act we have given recognition to live in couples and even granted protection to violence against women living in with a male partner.

By labeling sex without marriage as rape the court is actually giving a bad name to sexuality on the whole.

We understand that sex without valid consent is rape, every night millions of women are raped by their husbands when he establishes sexual intercourse without her consent. But the Court and law turn blind when it comes to addressing such sexual violence amounting to marital rape. An act of love or passion outside marriage is labeled rape.

I don’t want to go into the question as to why the woman registered a case of rape against this man, she may or may not have ulteriror motives, or may be the man actually did rape her. We don’t know. But if the Hon’ble High Court thinks that they have given a judgment in favor of women by calling pre marital sex as rape I will say they have given a huge set back to the very little progress we have made in the difficult struggle of asserting our right to a healthy sexuality.

A close family friend, a single mother raising her son independently, has been fighting a case against torture for over a year now. This was her second marriage and her husband is also a divorcee. Their son is now eight years old. I have managed to obtain a part of the FIR she filed. I am reproducing it here, with her permission, although the names and addresses have been changed :

1. Ever since my marriage, my in-laws started pressurising one to bring more and more dowry (though lot was given at the time of the marriage and even after that).

2. Started ill-treating me by finding faults with my way of eating, talking, walking, dressing, cooking etc. and scolding me and abusing one throughout the day. Humiliating me by asking the servant to hold a mirror in front of me to show me how badly I eat. Reduced my intake of food saying that you have to become very slim and trim to match their son. One small katori of rice in the morning and one roti for dinner. I used to feel very weak as I had already conceived by then and had to do all the household work like cleaning the utensils, mopping and dusting, cooking, cleaning of fans, windows, doors, washing of clothes etc.

3. Mother-in-law and sister-in-law used to get their body massaged every night till 2 a.m. I used to do these following things for the mother-in-law – pedicure, manicure, ironing of clothes, going to the market to get vegetables, cleaning the bathrooms etc.

4. I was not allowed to use the washing machine and was asked to wash my clothes outside. To even ring up my parents I had to literally beg my mother-in-law to give me permission.

5. There was repeated pressure from all of them to leave my job at XYZ. They said that they got their son married so that I could do all household work and no money had to be spent on maids.

6. I conceived within a year of my marriage but my mother-in-law abused me for becoming pregnant. She never wanted me to give birth to my son and wanted me to abort him. I was tortured mentally and physically everyday by my mother and sister in-law. Even my husband was not cordial to me, he used to say that ‘if you please my mother, you will get love from me’. But it was so difficult to please them all for me as they had already decided not to accept me. I toiled day and night to, atleast, see some humane behaviour from them and my health started going down. Everything was kept under lock and key in the kitchen. On asking permission from my mother-in-law, she used to take it out for me to cook. She only allowed me to take 2 rotis to XYZ for lunch when I was pregnant. Stale sabzi was given to me and I was not given milk, juices or any other supplements. Whatever tiffin I took had to be first shown to her and then packed. My husband and sister-in-law were all party to it.

7. In order to avoid the expenses of the delivery they sent me to my parents a few days before my due date. The delivery expenses were borne completely by my parents.

8. The apathy and callous attitude of my husband and in-laws was evident when they absconded and were not traceable when I was in an advanced labour stage and about to deliver. After delivery when I enquired from my husband’s office, I came to know that he had proceeded on a vacation to a hill-station.

9. After I came back from my parent’s house with my son (within one month of my delivery), ill-treatment towards me increased. My morning duties used to start from 6 a.m. and they made sure that I don’t sit even for a single minute. I used to work till 1 a.m. in the night.

10. Even on the first ceremonial function held at my parent’s house for my son, they were conspicuous by their absence.

11. My husband used to chat on the internet behind closed doors till late at night. I enquired about this and he responded with a tight slap telling me to mind my own business.

12. All my ornaments were taken by my in-laws on the pretext of safekeeping. My requests for a few of them on various occasions like marriages fell on deaf ears and male excuses like loss of locker keys etc. were given.

13. They always kept a vigil on fraternising with the neighbours.

14. I was taken to task and ridiculed on flimsy pretexts. My sister-in-law’s in-laws were quoted by my husband saying someone related to my family had tried to breakup her marriage and I was beaten for that. Later on it was revealed that her in-laws never alleged this.

15. On 5th May, 1998 acting on a grievance aired by my mother-in-law against me to him, my husband beat me in front of my son who watched helplessly. It was after this incident that I was compelled to leave for my parental home.

16. Even our common relatives castigated my in-laws for their behaviour due to which they became more peeved and venomous.

17. My husband deliberately did not disclose the name of his son’s mother at ABC school which clearly shows that he was planning to oust me from his life and household all throughout.

18. In April ‘04 I met with an accident and fractured my ribs. I was hospitalised and bed-ridden for a month but my husband, his mother and sister never cared to even enquire on the phone regarding my plight. Soon after recuperating, I was forced to mop the floor at their house by my mother-in-law despite the doctor’s advice to the contrary.

19. I was not allowed to use the phone. Prior permission had to be begged for, for calling. When I brought a phone and paid Rs. 3000 as well as 12 post-dated cheques of Rs. 1800 each, my husband took it from me and is still using it and I am paying the bills. He didn’t pay any heed to repeated requests to change the subscription to his name. Now that I am unemployed, I’m not in a position to pay anymore bills for the phone being used by my husband.

20. At XYZ police station, the first wife of my husband had also lodged a complaint in September 1991 for ill-treatment and torture which goes to prove that he and his family are in the habit of demonic behaviour.

This man was supposed to pay her Rs. 10,000 as child support every month. He has not paid up for the past eight months and she recently registered a case against him in order to get the payment. The officer on duty was surprisingly helpful and admitted that he has dealt with thousands of such cases.

She has been grappling with her role as an ‘ideal Indian wife’ on the one hand and her self respect and dignity on the other. Looking at these cases, one realises that it is not only the husband and in-laws who are at fault but also the women who put up with it simply because it is expected of them. Pressure is applied from all quarters, even from one’s own family, to bear this violence, and a culture of silence has become prevalent amongst Indian women. Be it dowry, rape or female foeticide, these are symptoms and not the disease. We need to question the entire order, every aspect of our lives, the whole system which is geared to serve one gender alone. Instead of seeing the gender problem as a separate one, we must realise that this imbalance tints the way we look at life and other issues. Women need to realise that they have the right to control their bodies and destinies, and demand change – from their families, the society and the polity.